Setbacks are a gift!

Dear Readers,

Two months ago, I was rejected by TedX.

For those who don’t know, this has been a goal of mine for almost 10 years.

I was upset, and make no mistake, I am still upset, and as I am learning setbacks are a gift.

I know, when you are in the middle of it, it sure doesn’t feel that way.

It takes time and distance to view setbacks as a gift- Professor Haston

Let me explain what I mean.

First, here are the numbers-

Colorado Springs- 8/26/19
Davenport, Iowa- 11/9/19
McHenry, Illinois- 11/26/19
Austin, Texas – 12/8/2019
Ted- (The Major Big Kahuna) 1/10/2020

I get a little upset every time I read these numbers because each one represents a rejection, and without measuring the rejection, I think the victory (When and If it happens, since that is NOT up to me) is less sweet.

If I am really honest with myself (which I don’t really like doing, and it’s necessary) I was not in a place emotionally, financially or any of the “lly” ilk to give this my all.

My Poppa Joe died, I was working hard on a new role, and new industry, transportation, and well life was being super duper lifey. Yep, lifey. Don’t try to tell me it’s not a word, I just made it up.

Now, things have settled (see also time passed) and I am able to look back and SEE that the timing was not right.

It does NOT negate the sadness or disappointment or rejection I feel and it’s a useful way to help make the sting less painful.

Now let’s talk about you, dear readers.

What setback are you facing that needs reframing?

Also remember, it might not be time yet to reframe, you might still be too close to it to SEE.

Give Yourself Time.

Think About It.

Stop Posting Perfection!

Dear Readers,

As you know, last week was Valentines Day.

A day that is just another day to some, but for me, I was super duper excited because my hubby and I had a date night including FREE babysitting, so expectations were VERY high.

I dressed up, I put on fancy clothes, dropped off the kiddo and headed to meet my hubby-

I think you can see where I am going with this.

In particular, I was really feeling confident in the awesomeness of my gift and how well it would be received.

Observe the ultra exclusive seating and sappy tablecloth….

In short, those hopes were dashed as I saw the look of non-joy on my partners face as he opened his present. As you might recall, last week I posted about how I was actively searching for those “other love languages” and deeper connection and closeness pathways, and I really believed heading into the night that I had really tapped into that with my gift.

Well, looking on the bright side, as I am prone to do. It was time together, away from everyone else. It was a nice dinner and we both tried to get other something we thought the other would like, but not so much. In fact, we both very gingerly talked through the mutual let-down and while it was not super fun to realize how much we had both missed the mark, there was some comfort in the knowledge that we were both sitting in the same boat.

The temptation is so strong to NOT share these foibles and thwarted expectations and if there is a chance that this will help one person to feel better about their relationship not being so perfect, than I will share.

I am fond of the hashtag that instructs people not to post perfection, so I am doing that now.

I relearn this lesson daily: Progress not Perfection-

Why is it so hard to admit that things are NOT perfect?

When we insist on that “perfect moment” from our lives, we miss out on the present imperfect- Professor Haston

It is hard to admit it, harder still to take the imperfect picture and embrace it for the moment it is, not what we WANTED it to be.

Think About It.

The Sixth Love Language

Dear Readers,

I know, you thought there were only 5. Well technically, according to this site, it’s 5…. but stick with me, I will explain.

There could be more, but I know there are at least six, because my sixth love language is sleeping in.

I know the science does NOT back me up here. The snooze does not actually offer any additional rest, and after a few months of “not snoozing” and ACTUALLY getting up with an alarm (so no one can tell me I didn’t give it an opportunity to work) I certainly feel more rested when I snooze so go ahead and call it psychosomatic, but it works for me.

That’s sort of the point to this whole post, do you know your partner well enough to say at least what their five love languages are? If not, why not?

Take a guess before taking the quiz, make it into a game and see if you are right…

With Valentines Day around the corner, dig into it, and figure out what they are. This quiz takes about 10 minutes.

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

Go ahead and take a few minutes to do it, then send it to your partner and then make it into a fun exercise, so that you can invest in your relationship and make it stronger this holiday. This will help you to pour into your relationship the other 364 days of the year.

So one of my goals in our relationship is to uncover what his sixth, seventh, and eighth love language is, because that requires more than a 10 minute quiz, it means that daily, I need to look for the things that really make him smile, because that’s the advanced citizenship I am looking for in my marriage.

I am definitely not perfect at this, and I am working on it, along with my husband, and here is a newsflash.

We fail a lot more than we succeed.

It’s a constant work in progress, and it’s HARD. Then there are moments like this one. I am so glad that someone snapped this picture when I wasn’t looking.

So do you want to do just the bare minimum for the price of entry for your relationship or do you want advanced citizenship in your relationship ?

Think About It.

Celebrate Others, Celebrate Yourself

Dear Readers,

This seems to be pretty simple advice, but it’s actually pretty hard.

Here’s the part where I admit being human (darn you, Dr. Litt!!)

and not always filled to the brim with joy when other people have good news.

On some level, if we are fully honest, when you hear the good news of others, we might say (only to ourselves of course) you “Wait, wait, don’t I deserve

<Insert your desire here>

Well, maybe, but at this point in time, you don’t have it, so smile and think ahead to the time when you will and feel happy for them now.

What’s the alternative? Being ticked off about their good fortune because it happens to not be your “turn” (no matter how much you might think you are “due”)

Chin up, it will be your turn soon, and wouldn’t you like for people to be happy for you when it is?

My ability to celebrate others has really been tested lately. I have alluded to the past year of struggle for our family including some of our friends. It’s been HARD, (like pull your hair out, spit on your neck, angry at the world, HARD.

and there is no amount of “spin” or “Pollyanna Positvity” that makes it less HARD. I felt like pulling my hair out MOST of the time.

Trust me, I gave it my best shot, and painted it (it being the massive gaping hole of suck combined with a massive “waiting game” all the bright pretty colours I could find and it still sucked.

I think the waiting was the hardest part of all of that.

A word on that here from my good friend and fellow writer, Senator Green.

The wait is longer than we’d like. Longer than we think we can take. It’s a lot of microsurrenders.

-Senator Green

I would like to (wary of “tempting the wrath of the whatever from atop the thing” knocking on wood, ((thanks Jeremy))

as I type this) to think we are heading into a period of unparalleled growth and prosperity due to the season we just ended being the polar opposite of that, and that definitely makes it easier to view other people’s good news through that “attitude of gratitude” I constantly coach to my clients, and eventually my daughter.

I think it comes down to this. The difference between envy and jealousy.

A lot of people use these words interchangeably and this is as good a time as any to clear this up.

Envy- means I want what you have.

Jealousy- means not only do I want what you have, I don’t want you to have it.

I do my best to live a life of abundance, always preferring to believe that there is more than enough for everyone, and you having joy does not mean I, or anyone else, has less as a result of your portion.

So, I might envy your good fortune while also expressing happiness that it’s your “turn” but I will NEVER be jealous.

Think About It.