Missing what you never had….

Dear Readers,

Today is a hard day for my husband and I, because five years ago, we had a miscarriage.

It still hurts, and every year on this day, I get a twinge and I am reminded all over again about the baby we lost.

John Alan Haston- 3/10/15

It’s so interesting to me, that our day of sad remembrance is a day of jubilee for others.

I remember clearly a friend telling me, “Don’t hold back your sad news in the face of my joy or your happy news in the face of my sadness”

I often think about that when this day comes around, and while it’s true that you cannot have flowers without rain, but the rain can be so cold and unforgiving, it’s hard to forget it does have a purpose.

I am going to go on sharing this because it’s something we as a society, do not talk about enough. So my call to action to you, dear readers, is if you have a similar experience, or someone who has had a miscarriage, please please post a heart or a ❤ on this post to stand in solidarity with those who have had loss.

I am sad today, and that is because we lost our child.

No amount of “sorry for your loss” changes that, and it’s something we say because in loss, there is little to say to bring comfort, other than to just “be there”

It’s often underestimated as a thing to do, and sometimes it is the only thing to be done.

Think About It.

When Something Sucks, It Sucks!

Dear Readers,

In my life, I have known some loss, and sad to say, I will likely know more, that’s part of life.

(Really missing Poppa Joe today)

My message today is “If Something Sucks, It sucks”

If you lost your job, whether fired or laid off, that sucks.

(It has happened to me four times and each time sucked just as much as the first)

If someone dies. It sucks.

If someone has cancer. It sucks.

Frankly no amount of “spin” can make a loss feel better- Professor Haston

Trust me, I know what I am talking about. You have to let grief and sadness and anger and rage have it’s turn.

The message is simple, into each life, a little sadness must fall.

When you are in the middle of something hard, and you seek comfort, you aren’t looking for someone to tell you how much better life will be because this horrible thing is actually a good thing. I can’t think of anything less comforting to hear, though people say it to people frequently in times of difficulty.

It’s easy to understand why, because we all really want to comfort our fellow human in time of crisis and we don’t always know what to say, so we reach for a platitude, something, anything to avoid the pain and frustration they are feeling. Here’s an idea, the next time a fellow human comes to you and shares their pain, why not say that?

“I don’t even know what to say right now, I am so glad you told me”

Believe it or not, that helps more than “at least you had someone you loved so deeply” or “at least (insert mitigating factor to existing pain here)

I wish I could take credit for that, but it belongs to Professor Brené Brown-

“Embrace The Suck” – Professor Brené Brown

In the beginning of the event, you need to feel your feelings, you need to be scared, you need to be as angry as you feel. It’s only after time passes (the waiting, Ugh!!) that you have the ability and perspective to see these things.

I am all for being positive and “reframing” and there is a time and a place for it to have maximum impact, and skipping over the bad and sad to “get to the part” where you feel better isn’t really going to work. Trust me, I have tried this, multiple times, that scene will not play.

You must go through it to get to the other side, there are NO shortcuts.

So back to “embracing the suck” – calling out that thing which sucks, is just as important as if not MORE so than the act of “reframing” or painting the situation with a yellow brush or silver lining.

Easy to say, HARD to do. I know.

Think About It.

Setbacks are a gift!

Dear Readers,

Two months ago, I was rejected by TedX.

For those who don’t know, this has been a goal of mine for almost 10 years.

I was upset, and make no mistake, I am still upset, and as I am learning setbacks are a gift.

I know, when you are in the middle of it, it sure doesn’t feel that way.

It takes time and distance to view setbacks as a gift- Professor Haston

Let me explain what I mean.

First, here are the numbers-

Colorado Springs- 8/26/19
Davenport, Iowa- 11/9/19
McHenry, Illinois- 11/26/19
Austin, Texas – 12/8/2019
Ted- (The Major Big Kahuna) 1/10/2020

I get a little upset every time I read these numbers because each one represents a rejection, and without measuring the rejection, I think the victory (When and If it happens, since that is NOT up to me) is less sweet.

If I am really honest with myself (which I don’t really like doing, and it’s necessary) I was not in a place emotionally, financially or any of the “lly” ilk to give this my all.

My Poppa Joe died, I was working hard on a new role, and new industry, transportation, and well life was being super duper lifey. Yep, lifey. Don’t try to tell me it’s not a word, I just made it up.

Now, things have settled (see also time passed) and I am able to look back and SEE that the timing was not right.

It does NOT negate the sadness or disappointment or rejection I feel and it’s a useful way to help make the sting less painful.

Now let’s talk about you, dear readers.

What setback are you facing that needs reframing?

Also remember, it might not be time yet to reframe, you might still be too close to it to SEE.

Give Yourself Time.

Think About It.